Back in the woods, a redneck’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, “Here, you hold this high so I can see what I’m doing.” Soon a baby boy was brought into the world.
“Whoa there,” said the doctor. “Don’t be in a rush to put the lantern down… I think there’s Yet another one to come.”
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
“No, no, don’t be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern… It seems there’s yet another one in there!” cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor,
“Do you think it’s the light that’s attractin’ ‘em?”
40. Oh I just couldn’t, she’s only sixteen.
39. I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won’t fix that.
37. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
36. Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.
35. We don’t keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can’t feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it’s just not safe.
30. Wrestling’s fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We’re vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I’ll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don’t need another dog.
24. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin’ is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn’t find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I’ve got it all on the C: drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiancee, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.
11. I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. She’s too young to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen.
5. I don’t have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. You All.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
1. Nope, no more for me. I’m drivin tonight.
BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.”
Usage: “My brother bard my pickup truck.”
JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck.”
MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd from him in munts.”
RANCH - noun. A tool.
Usage: “I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck
my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.”
ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.”
FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: “If my brother from Jawjuh doesn’t change the all in my pickup truck,
that things gonna catch far.”
TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: “Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn’t git a flat tar
in my pickup truck.”
FLARES: The colorful, sweet-smelling part of a plant.
Usage: “If yo wife’s mad at ya, it’s smart to take her some flares.”
DAYUM: A cuss word Rhett Butler used in “Gone With the Wind.”
Usage: “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a dayum.”
IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See “Auburn Alumni.”
Usage: “Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!”
BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: “If you don’t stop reading these Southern words and git back to work,
your bahs is gonna far you!”
CENT: Plural of cent.
Usage: “You paid five dollars for that necktie? Ah wouldn’t give fiddy cent for it.”
BAWL: What water does at 212 degrees Fahrenheit.
Usage: “That gal cain’t even bawl water without burnin’ it.”
TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: “Lord willing and the creeks don’t rise, I sure do hope to see that
Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.”
HOT - noun. A blood-pumping organ.
Usage: “Pa dun had a hot attack.” HOD - adverb. Not easy.
Usage: “A broken hot is hod to fix.”
RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: “My granpaw retard at age 65.”
TARRED - adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: “I just flew in from Et-lanna, and boy my arms are tarred.”
SAAR: The opposite of sweet.
Usage: “These pickles Sure are saar.”
RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: “We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats.”
OVAIR: In that direction.
Usage: “Where’s yo paw, son?” “He’s ovair, suh.”
LOT - adjective. Luminescent.
Usage: “I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair.”
FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: “I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed … must be from some farn country.”
DID - adjective. Not alive.
Usage: “He’s did, Jim.”
EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: “He can’t breathe … give ‘em some ear!”
BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: “Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.”
JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: “Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys’ coach Jimmy Johnson
recently toured the University of Alabama?”
MUCHABLIGE: Thank you.
Usage: “Muchablige for the lift, mister.”
IDINIT: Term employed by genteel Southerners to avoid saying Ain’t.
Usage: “Mighty hot today, idinit?”
HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: “Is Bubba smart?” “Nah … haze ignert.”
SEED - Seen, past tense.
VIEW - Have You?
Usage: “I ain’t never seed New York City … view?”
HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action.
Usage: “Kin I heavy dew me a favor?”
PHRAISIN: Very cold.
Usage:”Shut that door. It’s phraisin in here.”
GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: “Great … ANOTHER gummit shutdown!
BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
BAR CODE - Them’s the fight’n rules down at the local tavern
BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick
BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro
CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps
CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker
CRASH - When you go to Junior’s party uninvited
DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers
DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer
FAX - What you lie about to the IRS
HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair
KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
MAC - Big Bubba’s favorite fast food
MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers
MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live
NETWORK - Scoop’n up a big fish before it breaks the line
ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
ROM - Where the pope lives
SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast
SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak’s Employee of the year
SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear
- None of your shirts cover your stomach.
- You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
- You judge drive time solely by the number of beers you need to take.
- You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
- You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law.
- Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
- You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it’s wheels.
- You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
- You own a homemade fur coat.
- The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
- You think the stock market has a fence around it.
- You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.
- You have the local taxidermist’s number on speed dial.
- You take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.
- You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
- You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.
- Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
- Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
- You think genitalia is an Italian airline.
- You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
- You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.
- Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
- You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.
- The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
- Your father executes the “pull my finger” trick during Christmas dinner.
- The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.
An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus sitting over there?” The waitress nodded “yes,” so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.
The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus over there?” The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, “my treat.”
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, “Hey there sweet thang. How’s about gettin’ me a cold glass of Coke!” He too looked across the restaurant and asked, “Is that God’s boy over there?” The waitress once again nodded that it was, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, “on my bill.”
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.” The Irishman felt the strength come back to his legs, got up and danced a jig right out the door.
Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.” The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.
Then Jesus walked up to the Redneck.
The Redneck jumped up and yelled, “Don’t touch me… I’m drawin’ disability!”
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the “United States Redneck Special Forces”.
These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don’t like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.
