You Might Be A Redneck If..

Your favorite christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
You have to wash your hands before going to the bathroom.
You have two or more sets of bald tires.
Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job: primer red and primer gray.
You mow your lawn and find a car.
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
Your truck has a new sunroof because the shotgun fell off the rack when you slammed the door.
On sunday’s people stop by to ask if you’re having a yard sale and you’re not.
You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
Jack Daniels makes your list of “most admired people”.
Someone asks, “where’s your bowling bag?” and you answer, “she’s at home with the kids.”
Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
You call your boss “Buddy”, on a regular basis.
You wear your ball cap when you eat in a restaurant.
You think the best beer is brewed in Milwaukee.
In tough situations you ask yourself, “What would Curly do?”.
You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right’
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
You’ve been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.
The primary color of your car is “bondo”.
Your father fully executes the “pull my finger” gag during Christmas dinner.
You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.

You Might Be A Redneck If..

There have been two or more failed repossession attempts on your car.
You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve.
People come to your house to ask if they can hunt on your front lawn.
During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to “Georgia on My Mind”.
Exxon offered you royalties for your hair.
Your grandmother has ever stopped by the side of a highway to take a leak.
The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.
You ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are “Howdy!” “HEY!” or “How Y’all Doin?” (If they respond with the same… they’re a redneck too!)
You are known for your homemade squash wine.
You refer to the duct tape on your car as “chrome”.
Your dog has fleas on the inside of its ears.
Your dog can’t watch you eat without gagging.
You have scars on the back of your hand where Uncle Jeb stabbed you while you were reaching for the last piece of fried chicken.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
You get mud on your tires when you visit your mom.
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
Stealing road signs is a family outing.
You have spray painted your girlfriend’s name on an overpass.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
Your watchband is wider than any book you’ve ever read.
It’s easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
People hear your car a long time before they see it.

You Might Be A Redneck If..

You ever used a weedeater indoors.
You have to go outside to get something out of the ‘fridge.
Thanksgiving dinner was ruined because you ran out of ketchup.
You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.
If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes (if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occassions.
You ever hit a deer with your car… on purpose
Your wife has ever had to ask you to move the car’s radiator so she could take a bath.
Your parakeet knows the phrase “Open up, Police!”.
You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
You have the word “howdy” in your answering machine message.
There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
You buy a case or more of oil a month.
You know which leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper.
Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
You have one or more rolled vehicles (running or not) in your possession.
You think taking a bubble bath starts with eating beans for dinner.
The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.
The directions to your house include “turn off the paved road”.
You think the stock market is a place to buy hogs.
You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
Dressing up is wearing the flannel shirt without any rips in it.
Your sister’s education goal is to get out of high school before she gets pregnant.

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the trailer
Not a creature was stirrin’ ‘cept a redneck named Taylor.
His first name was Bubba, Joe was his middle,
And a-runnin’ down his chin was a trickle of spittle.

His socks, they were hung by the chimney with care,
And therefore there was a foul stench in the air.
From out in the yard there came such a noise
That Bubba got scared and rousted the boys.

There was Rufus, 12; Jim Bob was 11;
Dud goin’ on 10; Otis was 7.
John, George and Chucky were 5,4, and 3:
The twins were both girls so they just let them be.

They jumped in their overalls, no need for a shirt,
Threw a hat on each head, then turned with a jerk.
They ran to the gun rack that hung on the wall.
There were 17 shotguns; they grabbed them all.

Bubba said to the young’uns, “Now hesh up ya’ll!
The last thing we wanna do is wake up yer Maw.”
Maw was expecting and needed her sleep,
So out they crept out the door without making a peep.

They all looked around, and then they all spit.
The young’uns asked Bubba, “Paw, what is it?”
Bubba just stared; he could not say a word.
This was just like all of the stories he’d heard.

It was Santy Claus up on the roof, darn tootin’
But the boys didn’t know; they was about to start shootin’!
They aimed their shotguns and nearly made a mistake
That would have resulted in venison steak.

Bubba hollered out, “Don’t shoot, boys!”
That’s Santy Claus and he’s brought us some toys.
The dogs were a-barkin’ and a-raisin’ cain,
And Bubba whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.

“Down, Spot! Shut up Bullet! Quiet, Pete and Roscoe!
Git, Turnip and Tater and Sam and old Joe!”
“Git down from that porch! Git down off that wall!
Quit shakin the trailer, or you’ll make Santy fall!”

The dogs kept a-barkin’ and wouldn’t shut up,
And they trampled poor Pete who was only a pup.
Santy opened his bag, and threw out some toys.
Bubba got most, but left a few for the boys.

From up on the roof Santa heaved a great sigh.
Since the guns had been dropped he just might not die.
He jumped in his sleigh, told his reindeer to hurry.
The trailer started to wobble Santa started to worry.

Just as the reindeer got into the air,
The trailer collapsed, but Bubba didn’t care.
He was busy lookin’ at all his new toys.
Then a thought hit him, and he said to the boys:

“Go check on yer Maw, make sure she’s all right.
That roof fallin’ on her could-a hurt just a might.”
But Maw was OK, and the girls were too.
They fixed up the trailer; it looked good as new.

And as for Bubba, he liked Old St. Nick,
But Santa thought Bubba was a pure-in-tee hick!
Bubba had a nice Christmas, and the boys did, too.
And the Taylors wish a Merry Christmas to you!

You Might Be A Redneck If..

Your name is Junior, Junior.
You can belch and say your name at the same time.
You can talk for more than 20 minutes on the difference between squirrel and rabbit stew.
You kill dinner two or more times a week.
Your child’s first words are “Attention K-Mart shoppers!”.
Anyone in your family wrestles alligators for a living.
Your two year old has more teeth than you do.
You ever put oil or anti-freeze in your truck in a K-mart parking lot.
After removing the empty beer cans from your car, you find that it gets fifteen more miles to the gallon.
You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
When Sears eliminated their catalog you were forced to start buying toilet paper.
The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Places’
Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
You ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
You ever parked a Camero in a tree.
Your idea of dressing up is putting on your other hat.
You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
You celebrate groundhog day ’cause you believe in it.
You hit a bump in the road and lose half of your worldly possesions.
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
After the prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with empty beer bottles.
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.

You Might Be A Redneck If..

You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
Anyone in your family died right after saying “Hey, Y’all watch this!”.
If the fifth grade is referred to as “your senior year,”
Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
You ever drove a truck into the creek just to see if it would float.
You have more tattoos than teeth.
You bring your dog to work with you.
There have been multiple attempts to repossess your appliances.
Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
You know how many bales of hay your car holds.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
You consider “Outdoor Life” deep reading.
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
You ever took a six pack to a job interview.
You can fart the first six notes of the Star Spangled Banner.
There are two or more unfilled warrants for your arrest.
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
You ever financed a tattoo.
You sit up all night with a sick dog, but make your wife stay up with a sick kid.
Your bike has a gun rack on it.