Funny Redneck Jokes

Two rednecks decided that they weren’t going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.

“What’s logic?” the first redneck asked.

The professor answered, “Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?”

“I sure do.”

“Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,” replied the professor.

“That’s real good!” said the redneck.

The professor continued, “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house.”

Impressed, the redneck said, “Amazing!”

“And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.”

“That’s Betty Mae! This is incredible!”

The redneck was catching on.

“Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,” said the professor.

“You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinatin’ thing I ever heard! I cain’t wait to take that logic class!”

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.

“So what classes are ya takin’?” asked the friend.

“Math, history, and logic!” replied the first redneck.

“What in tarnation is logic?” asked his friend.

“Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?” asked the first redneck.

“No,” his friend replied.

“You’re queer, ain’t ya?”

Two redneck guys go on a fishing trip.

They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods.

They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don’t catch anything.

The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day.

It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they’re driving home they’re really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, “Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?”

The other guy says, “Wow! It’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more!”

Exclamations:

“Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!”

“Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.”

Threats:

“I’ll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outtastyle.”

“This’ll jar your preserves.”

“Don’t you be makin’ me open a can o’ whoop-ass on ya!”

Good Things/Compliments:

“Cute as a sack full of puppies.”

“If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.”

“Gooder than grits.”

The Weather:

“It’s so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.”

“It’s been hotter’n a goat’s butt in a pepper patch.”

Wintry roads are said to be “slicker than otter snot.”

Descriptions:

A bothersome person is “like a booger that you can’t thump off.”

When something is bad then you say, “that ain’t no count.”

If something is hard to do, it’s “like trying to herd cats.”

“He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin.”

A hectic schedule keeps you “Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor.”

Insults:

“She’s uglier than homemade soap.”

“Your momma’s so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said ‘To be continued.’”

“He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.”

“Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits.”

“The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead”

Any insulting statement is always followed by “bless his/her heart.”

Example: “She’s dumber than a door knob, bless her heart.”

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed.

Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless practical joker, sitting at his bed side.

He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said, “Don’t worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter.

But the hospital was in a real hurry to
get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you.”

The husband was thinking to himself, “Oh no, what has he done now?” and asked with some trepidation, “Well, bro, what did you name them?”

Whereupon, his brother replied, “I named the little girl Denise.”

The husband, relieved, said, “That’s a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?”

The brother winked and replied, “Denephew.”

Kudzu is green, my dog’s name is Blue
And I’m so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk, a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue’s and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain’t got no scales, but I luv you anyway.

You’re as graceful as okry, jist a-dancin’ in the pan.
Yo’re as fragrant as SunDrop right out of the can.

You have all yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we’re in a crowd.

On special occasions, when you shave yore armpits,
Well, I’m in hawg heaven, I’m plumb outta my wits.

And speakin’ of wits, you’ve got plenty fer shore.
‘Cuz you married me back in ‘74.

Still them fellers at work they all want to know,
What I did to deserve such a purty, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape, yo’re there fer yore man,
To patch up life’s troubles and stick ‘em in the can.

Yo’re as strong as a four-wheeler racin’ through the mud,
Yet fragile as that sanger named Naomi Judd.

Yo’re as cute as a junebug a-buzzin’ overhead.
You ain’t mean like no far ant upon which I oft’ tread.

Cut from the best pattern like a flannel shirt of plaid,
You sparked up my life like a Rattletrap shad.

When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete; Ain’t nuttin’ I lack.

Yore complexion, it’s perfection, like the best vinyl sidin’.
Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin’.

And when you get old like a ‘57 Chevy,
Won’t put you on blocks and let grass grow up heavy.

Me ‘n’ you’s like a Moon Pie, with a RC cold drank,
We go together like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine’s Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart; It’s romantic that way.

Some men git roses on that special day,
From the cooler at Kroger. “That’s impressive,” I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
“Diamonds are forever,” they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey, these will not do.
For you are too special, you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift, without taste nor odour,
Better than diamonds, it’s a new trollin’ motor.

“Hello, is this the FBI?” 

“Yes. What do you want?”

“I’m calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob’s house.

“Hey Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?”

“Yeah!” 

“Did they chop your firewood?”

“Yep.”

“Happy Birthday Buddy”

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Jackson to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. 

The Redneck says, “I want my $20 million.” 

The man replied, “No, sir. It doesn’t work that way. We give you a million today and then you’ll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.” 

The Redneck said, “Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it.” 

Again, the man explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years. 

The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, “Look, I want my money! If you’re not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!”

OKRA
Dec 22 - Jan 20

Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okra have
tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds
of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies!

CHITLIN
Jan 21 - Feb 19

Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they’re uncomfortable
talking about just where they came from. A chitlin, however, can make something
of himself if he’s motivated and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing
with Chitlins, be very careful. Chitlins can burn and then erupt like Vesuvius, and
this can make for a really terrible mess. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.
Remember that when marriage time rolls around.

BOLL WEEVIL
Feb 20- Mar 20

You have an overwhelming curiosity. You’re unsatisfied with the surface of things,
and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say,
you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their
right mind is going to marry you, so don’t worry about it.

MOON PIE
Mar 21- April 20

You’re the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It’s a cinch to
recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words
here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea.
It’s not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

POSSUM
APR 21 - May 21

When confronted with life’s difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to
withdraw and develop a don’t-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become
so withdrawn, people actually think you’re dead. This strategy is probably not
psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won’t
work and you may find your problems actually running you over.

CRAWFISH
May 22 - June 21

Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you’re always hanging around
the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf
course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend to be not particularly attractive
physically, but you have very, very good heads.

COLLARDS
June 22- July 23

Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the “melting pot” of
life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make
good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal
life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won’t work.
Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH
July 24 - Aug 23

Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one: Whiskers may
cause problems for loved ones. Your catfish are never easy people to understand.
You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish
should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS
Aug 24 - Sept 23

Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together
with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, thought so maybe you should
think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese
or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have
all these things, that serves you well.

BOILED PEANUTS
Sept 24 - Oct 23

You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who
know you best — your friends and loved ones-may find that your personality is
much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you
are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry
anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the
road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN
October 24 - Nov 22

Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody.
You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You’ve grown on the vine of life and you
feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody.
However, you too, shouldn’t have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO
Nov 23 - Dec 21

You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle.
A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects.
You are a throwback. You’re not concerned with today’s fashions and trends. You’re
not concerned with anything about today. You’re really almost prehistoric in your
interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo,
but Possum is another somewhat kinky, mating possibility.

15. If I Can’t Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

14. If The Phone Don’t Ring, You’ll Know It’s Me

13. How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?

12. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well

11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim’s Gettin’ Better

10. I Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dog Fight ‘Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win

9. I’ll Marry You Tomorrow But Let’s Honeymoon Tonight

8. I’m So Miserable Without You It’s Like Having You Here

7. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To I’d Be Out Of Prison By Now

6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him

5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

4. You’re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure

2. She’s Looking Better After Every Beer

1. I Haven’t Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, but I’ve Sure As Hell Woke Up With A Few.